My dad loved lakes and sunsets. This is a beautiful picture I snapped of Lake Murray as the sun was setting. I think he would've liked this scenery.
This is the first time I think that I've spoken about my dad's death since I took some time off my blog in February 2014 to deal with my grief. Since Father's Day is coming up soon, I thought this would be a good time.
My relationship with my daddy was somewhat complicated. I don't mean complicated in a terrible way, but that's the best way I can describe it.
When I found out my daddy died I won't lie, my first emotion was anger. I was angry that my dad kept smoking despite having a few strokes. I was angry at all the time he wasted as I became an adult. He missed out on some great things in my life. He missed seeing me go to prom, my college formal, graduations from both high school and college and so on. Now that he's gone he won't get to walk me down the aisle when I get married. My dad won't get to know his future grandchildren. I do feel sad when I think about the things he missed and will miss as I grow older.
Homemade Apple Pie was one of my dad's favorite desserts.
As you become an adult, you learn to take your part of responsibility. I know that I wrote my dad wasted a lot of time, but as an adult I feel I could've made more of an effort as well. I made effort, but I wonder sometimes if I could've tried harder to understand my father.
Despite our rocky father daughter relationship I had with my father as an adult, I do have great memories of him when I was a child. When I was little I was a daddy's girl. My daddy never missed a birthday when I was younger, he even sent me roses and birthday balloons for my 8th birthday. Every Valentine's Day I could look forward to getting a teddy bear, a card, and candy from my dad. I mentioned he wasn't there for much of my adult life, but he did give me a dozen heart balloons and a Valentine's Day basket during my freshman year of college.
I remember one time in particular we went to Sandy's when I was in the 6th grade. I hadn't seen him a few weeks due to work, so he took me out to dinner. We sat for a few hours and caught up. I was excited to tell him all the new things that were going on since I just started middle school. We had such a fun time. To this day, whenever I visit a Sandy's Restaurant I still think of my daddy.
Sandy's Restaurant
Even now I don't grieve my dad in the traditional I'm so sad how could he die way, but I do miss my daddy. My dad wouldn't want me sitting around crying and being depressed about his passing. When he died sure I cried, and for about a week I had different unpredictable emotions.
Despite our differences I did love him and I know that he loved me. Daddy I know you're no longer here, I wish you a Happy Father's Day and I love you.
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26 comments:
Pilar, I loved the story about your dad very much, but my first thought was that you saw both sides to your relationship with him. I am so blessed to have you for a friend cause you are wise beyond your years. Us parents do the best we can, and sometimes life is just plain hard. And sometimes it's wonderful, filled with love and good times and precious memories that you and your daddy shared. Your dad would love this post I think, cause it shows how much you really appreciated him. I was a daddy's girl too, and I lost my dad when I was only 28. But they live on in our hearts. Always forgive, dear one, and always love.....just like you're doing. And live with no regrets. Your dad raised a wonderful daughter. : )
~Sheri
A girl's relationship with her dad is very special. I am not sure how I will feel when my dad leaves this earth. I am glad you had such great memories with your dad.
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This is a very touching post.
Many people have complicated relationships with their parents. It's sad that your dad has passed on and it's really lovely how you still think of him with such fondness Pilar.
Such a beautiful memoir of your dad lovely way to cherish it.
Thank you Sheri. I really appreciate your kind words and friendship. I think my dad would've liked this post too. I learned that I had to deal with my anger about my relationship with my dad. Once I started dealing with my feelings, I felt better. I was letting my anger overshadow the happy memories of my dad. Like you, I was only 28 when my dad died. As I get older, I'm learning to live with no regrets.
A father daughter relationship is very special indeed. Our relationship wasn't always the best, but I'm grateful for happy memories I have of my dad.
Thank you
Thanks Rowena. For the longest time, I felt angry about my dad dying. Over time I made peace with my feelings.
Thanks Jackie
Interesting post dear! thanks for sharing, xx
Beautiful tribute to your father Pilar. I'm sure he's smiling down on you.
I am so sorry for your loss Pilar. Beautiful post.
thank you to share your story of your dad... inspired me...
Have a wonderful day
Great post and don't put things on yourself about thinking you could have made more of an effort. I am sure you did what you could. Sounds like you have some great memories. Remember them.
Oh dear! I can feel how emotional you got when you wrote the post. A big hug for you. Love!
So emotional <3
Thanks, and you're welcome.
Thanks Marie. I like to think that he's smiling.
Thanks Val
You're welcome. Have a great weekend.
Thanks Pam. I felt so many emotions when my dad died. You're right I did what I could so I don't struggle with guilt anymore. I choose to hold the great memories of my dad in my heart.
Thanks Krishna. This was an emotional subject, but I wanted to share the memories of my dad.
Thanks Kinga
That is the beauty and the struggle with complicated parent/child relationships, you can´t just walk away from them untouched, even though they can be disappointing and hurtful. It is great that you are able to see the good and the bad, and with time the good memories will calm down the anger.
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Thanks Anne. I took time to get to the point I am now in my life in terms of the relationship I had with my father. I agree the good memories helped calm my anger over the years after his death.
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