My dad loved lakes and sunsets. This is a beautiful picture I snapped of Lake Murray as the sun was setting. I think he would've liked this scenery.
This is the first time I think that I've spoken about my dad's death since I took some time off my blog in February 2014 to deal with my grief. Since Father's Day is coming up soon, I thought this would be a good time.
My relationship with my daddy was somewhat complicated. I don't mean complicated in a terrible way, but that's the best way I can describe it.
When I found out my daddy died I won't lie, my first emotion was anger. I was angry that my dad kept smoking despite having a few strokes. I was angry at all the time he wasted as I became an adult. He missed out on some great things in my life. He missed seeing me go to prom, my college formal, graduations from both high school and college and so on. Now that he's gone he won't get to walk me down the aisle when I get married. My dad won't get to know his future grandchildren. I do feel sad when I think about the things he missed and will miss as I grow older.
Homemade Apple Pie was one of my dad's favorite desserts.
As you become an adult, you learn to take your part of responsibility. I know that I wrote my dad wasted a lot of time, but as an adult I feel I could've made more of an effort as well. I made effort, but I wonder sometimes if I could've tried harder to understand my father.
Despite our rocky father daughter relationship I had with my father as an adult, I do have great memories of him when I was a child. When I was little I was a daddy's girl. My daddy never missed a birthday when I was younger, he even sent me roses and birthday balloons for my 8th birthday. Every Valentine's Day I could look forward to getting a teddy bear, a card, and candy from my dad. I mentioned he wasn't there for much of my adult life, but he did give me a dozen heart balloons and a Valentine's Day basket during my freshman year of college.
I remember one time in particular we went to Sandy's when I was in the 6th grade. I hadn't seen him a few weeks due to work, so he took me out to dinner. We sat for a few hours and caught up. I was excited to tell him all the new things that were going on since I just started middle school. We had such a fun time. To this day, whenever I visit a Sandy's Restaurant I still think of my daddy.
Even now I don't grieve my dad in the traditional I'm so sad how could he die way, but I do miss my daddy. My dad wouldn't want me sitting around crying and being depressed about his passing. When he died sure I cried, and for about a week I had different unpredictable emotions.
Despite our differences I did love him and I know that he loved me. Daddy I know you're no longer here, I wish you a Happy Father's Day and I love you.
June 2019 Post
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